Last week I talked to a godly friend in Virginia. I knew her while her children were growing up, and her children were happy, well-cared for, and well-trained. The oldest was especially outstanding in temperament, abilities, responsibility, and demeanor. This son went to a Christian high school, a Christian college, and then law school, where he was, again, very successful. While at the Christian college, he met and dated his future wife. Fast forward ten years and two kids later, they are now considering a divorce. How is this possible? How could a marriage with this kind of background go off the tracks?
After looking inside marriages for 35 years, I’ve discovered there is always a reason. One of the main reasons marriages unzip is that men and women usually have no idea how to meet the needs of the opposite sex unless they have been uniquely trained. One common scenario I repeatedly hear is that women feel unloved by their husbands (but their husbands have no idea what their wives want or how to give it). In response to feeling unloved, these women unleash emotional turmoil towards their husband, start denying sex, and well, you know the downhill path after this.
There is a remedy for marriage issues. The remedy is for each spouse to learn and meet the needs of the other spouse. But often, the husband is unmotivated to work on the relationship. You want him to change but he’s uninterested. You’ve found that you can’t change your husband. You’ve tried to get him to meet your needs, but he’s unwilling (or so it seems).
What is unpleasant to hear, but absolutely essential to know, is that one spouse has to go first. Since you can’t talk him into being first, you must be the one. You are to learn how to meet the soul needs of your husband and go first. After (“after” being the huge word here) his needs are met, you will discover that his heart turns toward you and then, only then, is he willing to hear what it is you need and want.
Until men want to please their wife, nothing changes. Yes, she may stomp around, demand, lecture, and unleash emotional turmoil, but men don’t change unless they want to change.
Wife School and the new 22 week Wife School Study Guide that is now available have had great success in transforming marriages. Women learn the secrets to winning the hearts of their husbands, and unsurprisingly, men are then willing to listen to what it is their wife wants and needs.
You have to lay aside for a season “how you are loved and given to” while you focus on “how you love and give.” When your husband’s heart turns toward you again, you can (slowly, carefully) ask for what you need and want (Wife School and the 22 week Wife School Study Guide will teach you how to ask). Husband School is available for you to give to your husband at a later date, but not until AFTER you go through at least the first 12 weeks of Wife School and the Wife School Study Guide, preferably all 22.
Marriage has been studied and dissected. Certain behaviors and attitudes lead to unhappiness and other behaviors and attitudes lead to marital harmony and happiness. You can learn to speak and act in ways that draw your husband’s heart to you.
Then he will want to hear what it is that you want and need. Decide to go first. Decide to be a Marriage Champion. You can master the art of marriage!
There are very few things you care more about than having a happy, warm, intimate marriage. Spend 22 weeks learning how to do it.
Warmly and in Christ,