I am in counseling appointments all the time when wives reveal they don’t feel cherished and loved by their husbands. And shortly after that disclosure, they show disgust at the husband’s huge sex drive and his large ego that wants to be constantly padded and pumped.
After that complaint, the next sentence I say is: “Your husband’s sex drive and his big ego—that needs constant feeding—is a gift to you from the Lord.”
That’s right, I assure them, a gift.
Then I explain how the wife is in a unique position to take wild, excessive care of her husband’s sex drive (the A of Affection) and also fill his tank (that drains out nightly) with the A of fresh daily Admiration. You, the little wife, can meet these outrageous needs your husband has, and guess what? It draws his heart to you! It ties thick rope after rope around his heart and yours. God gave him those needs and you can pull your husband’s heart to yourself with super glue, by outrageously meeting those needs. (See Chapters 3 and 8 in Wife School for a refresher on the A’s of Admiration and Affection (sex).)
When a wife is a fabulous sex partner (the A of Affection) as well as a tidal wave source of the A of Admiration, the husband’s heart is open to his sweet wife and to her needs and wants. Maybe this isn’t true 100% of the time, but from the women I’ve counseled, it is true 98%.
I can hear some of you now, while I type this in my jammies, “That is so manipulative. Why, you are giving to get.” Friend, I do not apologize for the fact that God made it a sowing and reaping world. If you sow hugely to meet your husband’s top needs, he will turn to you, and you will reap. Sowing and reaping is God’s law, not mine. Why, the whole book of Proverbs has two themes: the path of the righteous produces blessings (sowing and reaping) and the path of the wicked produces curses (sowing and reaping, again). It IS a sowing and reaping world, girlfriend, and I don’t know about you, but I’m going to ride that wave.
And you should ride that wave, too, because when a man is loved in a language he can hear, it comes back to you. Of course, of course, we should “focus on how we love and give, not on how we’re loved and given to”. Of course, we should honor, respect, and love our husbands because we are commanded to in Scripture and how we treat our husbands is a picture to the world how the church is supposed to respond to Christ. But again, I don’t apologize for the fact that you want to be loved and cherished. It is fine if you ask your husband for that (of course, AFTER you consistently meet his 8 A’s, and of course, AFTER explaining specifically what that looks like to you, since he has no more idea what cherishing a wife looks like than he knows anything about eyeliner and mascara). God thought it was fine if your husband loved and cherished you, and wrote quite a bit about it in Ephesians. (David and I are now in chapter 6 of Husband School, Where Men Learn the Secrets How to Cherish a Wife. We hope it will be ready by Christmas.)
Please don’t hear this and think I am trying to boil down the huge complex subject of marriage and make it all about sex and admiration. If you’ve been through my 22-week online class, you know that is not what I’m saying. But I do think that by focusing on the basics, you move forward in your marriage in astronomical ways.
Therefore, ramp up the A of Affections (sex) and ramp up the A of Admiration in your marriage. Ramp. It. Up. This will delight your husband to the moon and back. And it won’t turn out so bad for you, either.
A new, free 22-week session of Wife School Online starts Thursday, June 18, 2015. If you or your friends would like to register, send an email with your name to JulieNGordon2012@gmail.com by 3 p.m. Wednesday, June 17.
Also, a new free-23 week session of Skinny School Online starts Monday, June 15, 2015. If you or friends would like to register, send an email with your name to SkinnySchoolOnline@gmail.com by 3 p.m. Sunday, June 14.
Just FYI, there is now an updated version of Wife School on Amazon, with a new, lower price.